Monday, March 24, 2008

late Easter post



My 26th birthday fell on Easter Sunday this year. In some circles this might have great numerological significance. I don't know about all that, but nevertheless I decided to check out an Easter ritual event at the local mail-order Golden Dawn-esque occult organization.

Not to be confused with a Xian church...

Easter, or rather Spring Equinox, of course is the universal mythology of solar resurrection and rebirth. The Jesus version happens to popular lately in the last few thousand years--although maybe declining in this last century--but its only a reflection of every other universal consciousness.

Nothin wrong with gleaming knowledge from corporate holidays.

And then there's the Easter Bunny paganism... transfered via modern mythology into: buy shit.

And hell, even Passover has eggs.

Even consumerism has its use.

Hence, I like eating those Cadbury eggs.

Are you aware of the latest Cadbury eggs conspiracy?

So, one early Sunday morning, I went to Highland Park to our supreme headquarters. First time there.

These occult rituals I will attend every so often... how can I put this? A nice try. I don't feel like I was connected to anything cosmic, watching the chants and the walking in circles and Freemasonry symbolism of Joachim & Boaz pillars and chessboard floors and colored robes that each represent element; and it was interesting, and it wasn't enlightening per se, and I feel that it was a very noble try.

The best part of hanging out with Qabbalists is the party afterwards, and the nice conversations. Plus, free food.

I appreciate all the generosity, on this, my first Easter ritual.

Afterwards I went to Hollywood. I swear, every damn time I step out to the depressing Hollywood & Vine stop--in front of the Pantages advertising Wicked that's been playing in LA forever--I vow this will be the last time. I went to Borders and read some William Burroughs Queer, and read some Neil Gaiman Signal to Noise, and I went to Amoeba and listened to some music and flipped through some DVDs. I called some people in the area, but everyone seems boring, and then I gave up on Hollywood.

Then I did something I never do. In attempt to expand my worldview, shamanically widening my sensory perceptions, I had a chat with a homeless girl.

These crust-kid gutter punks that line the streets of Hollywood Blvd, they're so fascinating. Usually we ignore them. Sometimes, if feeling very gracious, we give them change. But we don't talk to them.

I noticed this girl reading a comic on the sidewalk while panhandling--Alan Moore Top Ten--and I attempted communication.

I sat down, talked about comics, and her lot in life, and LA, and so on.

Funny fake names. Traveling by freight train across America. Dreadlocks. Hairy legs. Skateboards.

Heroin. Speed. Whatever these kids to do keep themselves entertained.

Bruised arms with razor slices. Complaining about sell-out music, and glamorizing black metal.

She's a lesbian, and her fiance passed away last year. Surrounded by death.

Motel vouchers. 47 states. Stealing books from the library. Crashing in Skid Row.

More grateful for cigarettes than food.

And LA, as I suspected, is apparently the most uncharitable city in America. The only city where nobody gives money on a bloody holiday. Brooklyn, New Orleans, even Cincinnati are better towns.

She must have been underage, and she said she's been traveling for nine years.

I'm envious. I wish I could live for the moment like that. I wish I could cut myself off from the system. Off the map. Instead, I have credit card bills and rent and a bank account and its all so hollow.

We are such a pussy culture. We are afraid of life. Of suffering, of embarrassment, worried that losers won't like me. Be polite. Be cold. Be dead.

My interview over, I left, and I don't think I'll ever see her again.

But then again, drug addicts are usually pretty boring. I could only handle so much research, and I don't think I'll be visiting that squat anytime soon.

There are so many different worlds surrounding us, overlapping geographically, and we never pay attention. Gutter crustkids in their own hidden community, ignored by wannabe actors, a separate frequency from art fags, and nothing to do with office workers. From whatever person's point-of-view, they're perception is the whole world.

My little shamanistic experiments, I tried to open my eyes to these many ignored worlds.

And it was my birthday, and I didn't tell anyone.

And then a bird shat on me.

Go "home", whatever that means.

* * *


According to Robert McKee, the essence of drama in a mythological narrative is for a scene to either begin positive and end negative, or begin negative and end positive. Yesterday was the latter.

I had a bloody 8:00 AM appointment in Inglewood at the unemployment appeals office. I despise these bureaucratic nonsenses, but, as said, I'm in the system and I can't get out.

Without divulging too much personal information and boring details, suffice to say that in a few weeks I might owe the state of California a lot of money that I have no way of paying. That's what I get for being a bum, time to pay for it.

It was rather embarrassing; I had to see my old boss and go before a judge. I left a bit upset. Luckily, the results won't kick in for a few weeks and I'll just not think about it until then.

I decided to go to West Hollywood and visit my friend at her bf's house.

Surprisingly I had a good time. My friend's latest boyfriend is very cool; we talked about comic books and famous people known, while waiting for the electrician. , an artist who self-publishes and actually makes a living. He can afford a WeHo apartment on his art. He reads a bunch of books.

Its the magic trick I'm trying to figure out, how to get away with doing whatever you want.

I'm taking notes.

Sometimes I want to burn all my bridges and start anew somewhere else. Other times, I'm inspired and dammit I deserve to make it here!

We shall see.

This will be my last post for a while, need to focus and this blog is a distraction. If I am to succeed in the American Dream of doing whatever you want and still making $ on one's art, I need to goddamn focus.

There are better things to type than this.

Happy Sun God rebirth day, now go get resurrected.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Part II: Wars & Comicbooks



Always and always, for some reason, I inadvertently find myself in goddamn Hollywood. I don't like it, but the reasons never end, and here I was. Why, this Sunday I am to meet someone in North Hollywood for yet another LA adventure . . .

It was Saturday March 15, fifth year anniversary of the horrors of the Iraq War (always haunting my birthday since I turned twenty-one--on the 23rd by the way), and I'd been seeing all these stickers telling me to go this protest on Hollywood and Vine. So I sacrificed my cartoon time and checked it out.

Not part of any group, I did my best as an individual warm body amongst the crowds, and show my support. They needed masses to make a statement and I guess I helped. I don't really know if I did. The constant struggle for morality. Right and wrong means . . . what? I realize America is in a very trying time and I hope my little bit of standing up makes any tiny difference. But who knows if anyone cares. Well, it was the least I could do and worth a try.





It was certainly the biggest protest I've ever seen up close. Hundreds of people in the streets. Still, this being Los Angeles, like meeting a celebrity (see below) it seemed shorter in real life. 1960s footage of real marches are far more impressive.

Overall, of course, there was a high concentration of leftists. Now, I can dig that now and then, but when you go all out Marxist and Communist its hard for me to take you seriously anymore. Particularly, I've had bad experiences with these communists who won't shut up about Bob Avakian or whatever his name is, this latest revolutionary guy who is apparently going to save the world.

And there were Code Pinkers who handed me a sticker declaring "Make Out Not War", and others dressed like clowns, and then they play hip hop, draw chalk in the streets, strangest of all were the Zen dancers, and do drag the rights of Palestinians and immigrants into it, and mock coffins to be carried, and a few 9/11 Truthers, and some Ron Paul people too. All stepping on the dirty stars on the sidewalk, all Hollywood, all here.







There were a few Christian nutcases in the peripheral, the counter-counter protests. Not very many, but a few. I tried speaking logic to a guy I recognized from the old Martial Law documentary--I guess he was in New York in 04--and there was no reasoning with him. "Have you read the Constitution?" I asked. "I bet you're the kind of guy who hates the Constitution." He kept telling me he bets I'm 'the kind of guy who...' and it was completely ceaseless to speak to him. "Don't you think Saddam had time to hide the weapons of mass destructions. America needs the power to destroy our enemies!" Later he would yell to the crowds: "this is God's war! If you hate this war and you hate this country, THEN YOU HATE GOD!"

If his God tells me that I have to support the war, then yes, I'll hate that God.





But enough of soapboxes. Sadly, humans are not a rational species and some people, be they extremist Christians or radical Communists, are just so misguided and nothing you can tell them will ever change their mind. Some people think the government needs to redistribute all wealth, and some people think Jesus wants wars, and its not my job to convince anybody of anything.

They marched and marched, down to the CNN building, and then I abruptly left. So much to do at once here in LA land, and just a few train exits away downtown the Wizard World comic convention was on.


My buddy, with his insider contacts, was lucky enough to let me in on a free pass. I wouldn't have gone otherwise. Nothing too interesting happens at Wizard World LA, and I'd rather save up my money and my anticipations for San Diego Comic Con in the summer.

It was a slow con. I hung around the floor room, talked to some artists, looked at expensive old Silver Age stuff and action figures that I had no hope of buying. I didn't come with a fun group or anything. I mean, my buddy was real nice to get me a ticket, but I fear that he doesn't share my passion for these mythological narratives. He was in full producer mode, and it was taxing. Networking with everyone and talking about bad movies, while I was excited about buying the Essential Silver Surfer--reprints of the entire 60s run--for only five dollars, but he really just wasn't into these comicbooky things.

Watched some anime. Not very many big names to talk to. The only panel that was interesting was Dan Didio's DCU stuff, so I went to it and asked some questions and even bugged Dan Didio personally(editor-in-chief of DC Comics), in the hopes that he'll remember who I am. I've seen him at least four previous times in these conventions! I should have brought my sample scripts to share, it woulda been worth a try, but I was shortsighted when I packed that morning.

Kinda cool, I later looked up the Newsarama article on the panel:
WWLA '08: DC's COUNTDOWN TO FINAL CRISIS PANEL

A fan asked about the Legion, and DiDio reminded that it's the 50th anniversary of the characters, and they have significant plans for them. "I really liked the 'Legion Lost' era," commented the fan. "Come back and see me in a month," DiDio said.

That was me!


Then I saw Seth Green in the hall, and bugged him for a cellphone picture.



"I loved you in Party Monster," I say.

"Thanks man, that means a lot to me."

He wasn't a snob at all. I think its nice to plug celebrity's indie movies, to get on their good side, as opposed to everyone else here who wants to hear him talk about Robot Chicken. And, as a matter of fact, I rather do like Party Monster.

Later that night I was supposed to go to a music show in Long Beach, but I was so damn exhausted. I gave up and went to sleep early. On the bus ride home I got a phone number from a girl who also treked from LBC to H-wood for the protest. A minor miracle.


Sunday was supposed to be miraculous too. It sort of was. Mixed results.

I went to the beach to get fucked up again, new experiments, but it ended up being a highly depressing experience. It was a beautiful windy day and everyone was out and I couldn't stand it. Dark as it gets, utter meaninglessness, the empty void in my head confirmed by the lonely sights before me; all the scene a cliche. The screeching birds, the noises, the wind, the cold ugliness of everything. It turned to night and I sobered up and wandered the streets and occasionally glanced at my stupid Palahniuk book. I missed the bus while it was raining and I was so hungry and weak and tired and at the height of my frustration with the world.

"FUCK!"

Suddenly I bumped into someone I knew at this bar. Oh yeah, its the weekend before St. Patrick's and everyone was having fun but me. In my post-brain fry eloquence, I surprised myself with witty conversation and hung out there for a while. I wiped the tears from my eyes and had a Corona and smoked a cigarette and it was cool. I even met someone into Neal Stephenson and had an epic conversation. I ate some nachos.

Discourse. Communicate. Connect. Vishuddha chackra exercise.

Funny how big a deal an emotion is at the time, and then you get over it and you forget about it.

So, I survived.

And my twenty dollars disappeared.

And I write things down.

And I get by.




Monday, March 17, 2008

NAMASTE MUTHAFUCKA



Events, culminating.

High-and-low contrasts bend more extreme.

And its slightly fun.

On Wednesday I went to yoga class. Trying to be healthy. And a lady's cell phone kept ringing again and again from her bag. I wanted so bad to scream at her. Yoga was not successfully relaxing. Why didn't she turn it off after the third bloody ring?! And who are these people that call again and again, instead of simply leaving a message and waiting an hour?? I fantasized about starting a fight in yoga class, and that would have been funny ironic.

I was not very relaxed in th end, but I stretched, and I balanced, and at the end I harmoniously repeated "namaste" because the teacher told me to.

Lately on Thursdays my ritual has been to go to the comic store--one day late, I know. I bought Wonder Woman, Suicide Squad, Booster Gold, and Superman. Followed by the library where I returned some CDs and ordered some Irvine Welsh; and I picked up volume 6 of Akira and volume 9 of Sandman. Just for the hell of it I grabbed Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk. I don't like this novel very much. I support Palahniuk's try, and he's kind of gruesomely funny I suppose, but I don't think he's such a great storyteller. Then I went to Borders and read MW by Osamu Tezuka--which is the darkest Tezuka comic I've ever come across. As usual, I'm in awe of Tezuaka's narrative skills. Then I read The Yage Letters, William Burroughs writing to Ginsburg about his adventures searching for that elusive yage (otherwise known as ayahuasca). So refreshing after reading McKenna's glamorization of South American culture. Burroughs, one of the first white people to trip out on DMT chemicals, has a completely negative and vicious point of view, and seems to hate everything about Bogota and Columbia. That's an honest writer. That's literature.

Friday was a busy day. Firstly, for lunch, I met some new acquaintances at a restaurant in Cerritos. I guess I'm joining a literary art movement or somethin. I've joined some burgeoning movements before in the past, with mixed results, always lookin for the next big thing... the art gallery thing and the psychic astronaut thing... Honestly, I mostly went to this because of a girl. But we shall see where it goes.

Afterwards I hung out in dead Orange County at a coffee shop with my new 'literary' friends. Then I bought some mushrooms. Somehow, after all this longterm fretting and planning over my proper ayahuasca ritual last week--filled with potential and disappointment--an entirely spontaneous outing unfolded into my newest neurological breakthrough. Sadly, I had to go to a money machine to take out 40 bucks, and there weren't any US Banks so it cost me a 3 dollar fee, and I hate that. So I waited for the Asian guy to get the paper bag out of his car I and bought these things, and proceeded to ingest. McKenna says to take "heroic" doses, so I did.

The plan for the night was to go to a poetry reading. By the time I got there I was rather out of it. Everything turned into a cartoon of itself. Synchronicities piled up, and every character put on a show just for my enjoyment. I just hope I didn't embarrass myself too much.

Self-consciousness turns off. Everything is deja vu. Language fails.

I sat with the audience and there were familiar readings in the background, but I sat backwards and couldn't stop staring at art on the wall. I found it more interesting to lock myself in the bathroom and look at the sparkling water.

Bright lights- I put on sunglasses, loud noises- I wore earplugs. Heads turning into skulls. Colors shifted. The floor revealed mesoamerican hieroglyphics. People pop in and out of existence and ask me stupid questions like, "are you okay?"

I've never been so happy in my life. I've found myself thinking: Why the hell was I so depressed yesterday? Everything is so simple. It made sense at the time.

I met up with my other friend who lives downtown, and he walked me to the beach. He opened up his heart to me, his lovelife off and on, and since I could barely control what I was saying I opened up my heart by accident. Again, I hope I didn't embarass myself too harshly. It was very difficult to get cohesive words out. "Um . . ." I whispered.

Everything was a CGI exaggeration, and so many cops out on the street, and the strange tunnels inbetween the alleys, and strange hippies made love on the nighttime sand (the strange things you'd never notice sober), and I laughed at the absurdity of buildings we build and nonsense we crush, and I peed in the ocean.

This was by far the most detailed visions I have ever encountered. Usually drugs are disappointingly interesting for me, but this exceeded expectations. Did I finally encounter anything "cosmic?"

And still I wonder, where do these images come from? Is there an other side I vibrate in frequency with; or is it purely imaginative? Is it spiritual or sensatory?

Probably completely within my head. Probably nothing more than that. But that's okay.

All perception is virtual reality already, nothing wrong with shaking up the antenna-signal every once in a while.

(I'll try again with the "heroic" doses.)

Just don't let me turn into another stupid drug addict, another weird crazy muthafucka on the bus.

I must be careful.

Hopefully, after the languageless brain-fraying, I can be eloquent about it after the fact!


Strange Weekend, to be continued . . .

In which I go to the Hollywood antiwar protest, directly followed by Wizard World Comic Con an hour later, and then I'm depressed and then its St. Patrick's and I'm drunk . . .

Monday, March 10, 2008

Ayahuasca Tourist

“Ayahuasca is a traditional indigenous sacramental tea primarily made of two plants, Ayahuasca (B. Caapi) - the “vine of the Soul/Dead” - which contains the Monoamine oxydase inhibitors (MAOIs) Harmine & Harmaline, and the admixture Chacruna (P. Viridis) which contains Dimethyltriptamine (DMT) - the first recognized endogenic (meaning naturally produced within the human body) psychoactive substance. MAOIs prevent the digestion of DMT by enzymes in the human body, thereby allowing it to become orally active. The sacrament served in ceremonies with the _______ is prepared according to traditional Amazonian methods.”

Literature is such a bad influence. I used to be a good clean kid. Then I read books.

Then I read Grant Morrison interviews. Then Robert Anton Wilson, and then RAW on Tim Leary. As discussed, I recently read on Dan Pinchbeck’s adventures in shamanism-- 2012 the Return of Quetzalcoatl. And Disinfo Press books on magic-- Generation Hex and the Book of Lies. Lately I’ve been deep in the Archaic Revival by Terence McKenna. P. K. Dick’s VALIS experience. Crowley. Icke. Countless junkie memoirs and esoteric texts through the ages.

So where is the shamanic drug scene inwhich I get to apply this knowledge? How am I to be enlightened already?

Baring occasional and infrequent psilocybin experimentation, I haven’t gone all out. Not yet.

And then I did, and it’s about time.

A few months back H_____ recommended to me a group that performs native South American ceremonies, engaging the powerful ayahuasca psychedelic. I put the information on the back burner and it took a long time to get around to it, and then I read more books and was further inspired; and so I emailed the A_____ B___ group and I committed to a ritual.

Timewave-crunching and I eagerly awaited; I followed the preparatory instructions and spent all week on a healthy lifestyle. I didn’t smoke cigarettes. I already don’t eat meat so the no pork part was easy. I even fasted the day before. I avoided coffee, which was difficult. No sex they said (simple enough for me and my track record lately!), though I also forced myself not to masturbate for five whole days and this was an exceedingly horrendous challenge, but I made it with my balls intact and a surprising amount of free time at my disposal. (All those lonely 3:00 AM’s away from internet porn . . .)

(Yet, as for the alcohol restriction . . . well the night before I found myself at a poetry reading and free wine was available, and I got a tad drunk, and I really was not supposed to do this. It completely escaped my mind. In retrospect, this explains a few things about my reaction. Well, such are life’s challenges and I dealt with it.)

I got a ride all the way to the city of T_____, CA. Through winding dangerous mountainy roads into unincorporated hippie town, and I was worried because I showed up a half-hour late, but once again I shouldn’t have worried about being late because it was still to be many hours before we began.

I made it to the strange address and walked into the house. My ride drove away. Kind smiling faces greeted me; they all wore white, as instructed. (but I don’t own white pants. I wore grey jeans. Jeans are comfortable to me anyways; I sleep in my jeans, and some find that strange). I found a spot on the floor and set up my meager sheets and pillow. Unprepared, I was given another blanket and a sweatshirt for warmth. “Here, take this shirt. It’s made out of bamboo!” “Thank you, what a selling point.”

Such nice happy white folks. With names like Elijah, Satchi, Touch-Eyes, and John. 18 in all to sit around in a circle, 10 guys and 8 girls. And a funny dog wandered about. I had no plans for a ride back home, but I figured I could ask someone later, and sure enough I met C________ and she said she’d drive me to an LA train stop the next day. I sat next to a fellow Israeli M____. D___ was there, glad I recognized a familiar face in, and I talked to her about journalism and Tarot and the coming experience.

A lesson in extreme patience. We waited for hours, in meditation and yoga stretches and taking naps on the floor to the sounds of an Australian dijiridoo. I kept my phone in my backpack in the other room, which was good or otherwise I would check the time incessantly. Here was timelessness.

F______ finally arrived and we were set to begin. Boys and girls were separated. Followed by more patience as he set up the altar and slowly explained the rules for another hour. “Be quiet. No talking. Go to the bathroom slowly and quietly. Make sure you bring a Tupperware container with a lid for your purging.” (I never did throw up, though my stomach would boil over painfully and I wished I did.) “No drinking water for the first hour. Keep your eyes shut. Sit up straight.”

I brought my stack of twenties and paid. I paid a lot more than I reasonably should have, but I paid for the ritual as well as the chemicals. “Any student discount?” I asked. “Starving artist fund scholarship?” “No,” they answered. “Your personal sacrifice is a necessary and important aspect.” Fine, I was willing to part, but it was worth asking.

“There is a good energy here today,” he said. “This is an ancient ritual, passed down through the millennia. Keep your intentions clear.” (I intend to be a good human being),
“and one at a time I will call you up and ask you your tolerance level, and anoint you with oil, and your journey will begin.”

The lights were turned off and in the darkness, led by a candle, I sat before F______. I asked for a medium dosage of medicine as he analyzed my aura and mixed together a concoction, and I drank from the little ceramic cup. Ayahuasca is thick and bittery tea and kind of sweet. My throat burned. I chewed on ginger. My mouth grew dry but I wasn’t allowed to drink water.

I crawled back to my space and sat in a meditation posture and I awaited an effect. I had my little mantra and sat still and breathed in pranayama breath and visualized the Anahata hexagram and attempted to open my heart chakra and all that usual daily junk.

But when it kicked in, I realized, this has nothing to do with Eastern meditation. This is quite something else.

This is not about being still, finding your center, transcendental, nothink, Zazen, or any kind of chackra workout. This is shamanism, and this is a dance.

I rocked back and forth and my neck was wobbly and I opened my eyes and I looked around at all the strange black-and-white heads, and my stomach bubbled, and I listened to the annoying Spanish singing, and I started seeing things.

Everything in extreme contrasts of black and white, my neighbors in charcoal skin. And then the colors, the little Red-Green-Blue pixels like when you look at a TV screen too close, because I’m looking at the universe too close and perceiving something inbetween. Unable to look straight, no focal points, pupils flowing and my vision dripping like water, and everything was fuzzy.

I closed my eyes, and the pictures came.

I grabbed my notebook and I scribbled notes so that I would not forget.

I was confronted with my own superficiality.

The machine-elves that McKenna spoke of, the weavers of reality, they came to me as silly little 80s pop culture references.

Characters flashing before me

Because this is the mythology of my youth.

I weep for this fact.

(On some level I found a new level of letting go; never having cried openly since childhood.)

I saw Ninja Turtles toys and cutesy monsters and video game characters.

I saw the mysterious pyramids of Mario 3 and there was a secret underneath.

I realized that I am a deeply superficial person and this is all nonsense.

These are no more mysteries. I’m too well-read. I know too much. Passion escapes me, reality is intellectualized and questioned and I could interpret this a thousand ways and all that work would be missing the point.

Even if aliens came through the door I wouldn’t care; I would question it, and it would never be real.

The aliens came, and they agreed with me.

I demanded an apology from God, for giving up all the mysteries too easily.

I weeped and weeped. Then I laughed.

I wanted to sleep but F______ made me sit up, which was probably for the best.

I realized that I don’t believe in anything and I will never be passionate, because I just want to think about what I’ll write about later and never live in the moment of the experience.

I wrote this down.

I tried to throw up but I couldn’t.

Ten thousand colors and words banged through my head at once and I couldn’t keep up.

I walked to the pink bathroom and looked at myself naked before the mirror.

I cried and cried.

It was terrifying.

I don’t know why everyone says this is about peace and love and light. It’s not. It’s a horror.

I realized that my path, my contribution to the Great Work, my True Will, will never be about peace and love. I’m not like these Jesus-lookin guys and these smiling white girls. I am here to experience suffering and darkness. I’m here to be scared and confront the bullshit.

“FUCK FUCK FUCK!”

I don’t believe in fear, I am not into that. But I do believe in terror and sometimes you got to embrace your own inner darkness in the process of getting over fear.

You can learn more from a bad trip than a pleasant one.

I listened to the sounds of breathing and gagging as they threw up around me. My stomach was in so much pain and yet I wouldn’t purge.

F______’s singing went from Spanish to English. “We are all children of light, its okay it’s all right.” In Spanish, for me, it was in the background and not entirely unpleasant. His English singing was far too distracting. Luckily, I use earplugs in my own meditations and brought some with me, and that helped.

And the buzz went down, and I had an experience and I’m still here and life goes one. I wanted a second dose. But I was too eager, the second batch was too small, and I didn’t go deep enough.

I was on the threshold of experiencing something real, but I limited myself and couldn’t make it far enough. It was too physically painful. It was easier to think about cartoons and the sad loss of Western intellectualizations. Perhaps the remnants of alcohol in my system ruined it. My heart was never opened, just my head.

I napped until sunrise, as they sang and danced and sat. I don’t know what’s so special about ayahuasca. It was extreme, but it wasn’t that terribly different than my marginal experiences with mushrooms or even just getting real real high via pot. Drugs never seem to work on me correctly.

I think the ritual was more important than the actual chemicals. And this is what makes me uncomfortable.

Afterwards he ended the ritual with conspiracy theory talk, “sovereigns don’t have to pay taxes or follow laws according to the Constitution” (so I’ve heard but never seen proved) “America is dangerous and the dark powers taking over is just around the corner.” Again with NWO/Illuminati meme.

Apparently F______ is moving to South America tomorrow to start his own temple. Honestly, I worry that he has the makings of a cult leader. He has much wisdom, to be sure, much to be learned from and very trained in these arts. But all idealistic movements present extreme dangers when too organized.

Many a legitimate religious experience has devolved into just another control mechanism, and I do not wish to be a part of it.

Spiritualists who demand that everything be cosmic light goodness, “we are all beings of light,” and tell us to follow their rules and eat right and be good people and avoid suffering . . . they are too positive and ignore the nature of immune systematics. Bad things are good for you too. Bad things tear you down so you can be rebuilt stronger.

I must reject all idealism. Nobody should tell you how it should be. Because it already is what it is. The universe is already perfect, only our attitudes need to change.

Yet I still try, ceaselessly, to be a good person. I think I do. I usually fail. I self-sabotage. But I believe I try. Just let it be a personal quest, please, let me go up and down and figure it out for myself. Don’t make me join your movement.

And the ritual ended with the morning’s beautiful bright down. I awoke recharged, as I always do after terrifying trips. But I wish I went deeper. Perhaps another time.

They all spoke of lightness and happiness, and I kept my darkness to myself.

I exchanged a few emails and perhaps made friends, at some fruit and homemade chocolate, goodbyes, and I left with C_______. She was very nice and we had a good conversation sharing our experiences. We all have our own issues to deal with, but she seemed to be more optimistic than me. Hungry and weak I was dropped off at the Temple/2nd stop in downtown. I walked the two stops over to the 7th/Metro Center train stop, so I wouldn’t have to pay for the transfer, and I absorbed the energies of the weekend Broadway Mexican markets of the city. I walked with my pillow and sheets in hand, as if I was homeless. I forgot my sunglasses and had to bare the sun with no shielding. Perhaps this is a metaphor.

I have had time to reflect, and I am left with no proof. Aside from the occasional synchronicity, I have experienced little evidence that a spirit world exists. I am left with an atheist attitude and I only have other people’s that assures them of an other side. How do I find this for myself? How do I know anything exists outside of our own heads?

I mean, I paid all this money for an extreme traditional psychedelic trip and I still haven’t seen God. What more can I do?

That’s fine, mystical atheism can work too.

Skeptical psychedelia has its benefits.

Anyways, I prefer Discordia and Chaoism to your pseudo-religious rules.

Westerners experimenting with other cultures. So condescending. Always worth a try.

And still I weep, for there is no more mystery worth finding.

I’ll continue my journey another time.



-------------------------------

I’d like to share what I’ve been able to gather from my notebook, my scribbles in the darkness:



ALL these
sounds of breathing

Average

sit up straight

site: sharp black on whites

Don’t like eyes closed



I have drunken the bitter
and it
by ginger

thick tasty ayahuasca
burns my throat. followed

I sit. One hour as yet.

no drink. No effect

And Inner Child anointment

Be the best human you can be.

toilet rules:

sit rules : :



I weep for the
mythology of my people

NINJA TURTLES
and thats what it be



I started crying
is superficial and
I
WRITE!!!!

boo hooo you faggot whine

Anyways, Its strange

the Mario 3
pyramids.



Some enemy of my childhood!
Don’t let me forget!

Inbetween all these
sorta video game lil memories....
and Zigzagging !!!..



I want the
box on my head
like a good jew



I cry I wish
I was loved.

I’m not
I’m not very

good at being a

I’m sorry.. I wanna be a boy



I want you
to apologize God!

Because there’s no
more mystery and I’ve
overthought it.

Monday, March 3, 2008

2012: Future or Present?



The 2012 meme--epitomized by Hollywood’s 2012 Conference on Saturday March 1st--holds a mixed bag. Like all forms of spiritualism, it pools of murky waters with which challenges you to judge “truth” from “goddamn nonsense.” It might be as valid a form of knowledge-seeking as any other path, or it can turn into one more damn movement-religion to tell people how to think.

If this is a ‘movement’, it’s not exactly an organized one. But the 2012 meme has certainly a new focal point for New Agey scenesters to gobble up the next batch of promises.

I hate to be so cynical. I’m desperately looking for that SOMETHING myself, and it’s this endless quest that brought me to this Hollywood event four years, nine months, and twenty days before Singularity point. But, as Jordan Maxwell told us: “Don’t ever trust anyone who knows the truth. Trust those that are looking for the truth.” Sage advice. Yet, that goes for him too.

It was quite the immersion of ideas, and I’m glad I attended. And hell, for me, it was free. Amongst these wayward souls, brought up on apocalyptic memeagry, waiting for that crisis to bring us together (and if there is environmental catastrophe any time soon, y’know, the West Coast is probably the absolute worst place to be). Here in Hollywood, the very substance of holly-wood representing the wand of the magician you see . . .

I woke up with little sleep at 6:00 AM (on most nights this would be my bedtime), with a plan to begin my two-hour public trans early and make it there by 9 AM. My LA route: Long Beach bus to Blue line South Central train to Red line Hollywood train. It’s a ridiculous lifestyle in LA County with no car, but I make do. Except when I don’t; I’m lazy in the mornings and I ran late, missing every damn bus and train connection and didn’t arrive until 10:00. I cursed myself in the 7th Street/Downtown Metro connecting station as I read my Pinchbeck book and wished time wasn’t against me. But I needn’t have worried, after I got off the train at Hollywood and Vine I was greeted at the Ricardo Montalban Theatre with long lines and total chaos. They started over an hour late. I’m glad I didn’t go early; Eastern Spiritualist or not I am easily bored, impatient, and hate arriving anywhere too early.

After a complex web of figuring out who it is I talk to for the volunteering gig, I snuck inside and talked to an organizer Karin--who I’d only corresponded with via email so far, and then I got a free tshirt. I still get to keep the shirt to this day. Time to kill until my shift, and I wandered. Surrounding the indoor theatre-area were New Agey types with everything for sale. Mediums and healers, teas, expensive chocolate, and various figures peddling their books. Republic magazine was for sale, plastered with images of Ron Paul. Very interesting how these circles overlap, when New Age extreme leftists join hands with paleo-conservative-libertarians-conspiracists. (Later at the end of the night a speaker would mention Ron Paul and the crowd clapped in an uproar, this writer included.)

My usher shift didn’t start until 1:00 and so I grabbed the first downstairs orchestra empty seat I found and watched this Timewave 2013 documentary film, an apparent sequel to 2012: the Odyssey (which I haven’t seen). Personally presented by the filmmaker Sharon Rose, it detailed her experiences in Peru with Native shamans, interpolated interviews with Daniel Pinchbeck and others, and of course recordings of Terence McKenna. (“Scientists can’t even explain the birth of the universe. The Big Bang theory is preposterous. It’s as if they are saying ‘just give us this one free miracle’ and we’ll explain the rest. But why must a miracle Singularity happen at the beginning of time, why not the end?”) Then, as if by synchronous providence, at the very line: “I learned to enjoy the moment,” the film cut off! Computer error, or too much energy to short-circuit the fusage, or somesuch, and the projector turned black. Sharon Rose was a pro of a presenter and came on stage ready for filler-speech. “AHHHH,” all hundreds of us sang during the meditation exercises. They never got the movie to work.

Next was anthropologist Dr. Alberto Villoldo who brought with him a native shaman of Peru. They prayed for us, and extolled the virtues of shamanism, and why everyone is going to love each other, and Western materialism’s “cult of death” is going to go away, and all that nice positive futurism that’s been going around. Just wait a few years for the Galactic Alignment and all will be well! A constant theme . . .

Meanwhile I noticed Daniel Pinchbeck sitting nearby me from across the aisle, recognizing the writer from online footage and photographs. I took out the library book from my bag and wondered a good time to approach. The keynote speaker I was on the lookout for, the very name that caught my eye when I first saw the advertising poster walking past the Montalban Theatre a month back and vowed to attend this conference. Daniel Pinchbeck is the esteemed author of 2012: the Return of Quatzelcoatl. I’ve been eagerly reading it lately, though I must confess I’m only halfway through, and it details Daniel’s quest as a New York journalist researching shamanistic traditions and experimenting with all manners of psychedelics. The book delves into a thousand subjects, jumping from African tribes to crop circles to new age healing seminars to Burning Man, overall a mix of memoir with extended quotations/summaries from Daniel’s eclectic reading mix. A bit unfocused, but a fascinating journey.

He stepped out and I rushed to follow. “Daniel Pinchbeck! Would you sign my book?” “I don’t know,” he said. “It’s not my book, it’s a library book. How cool would it be to sign it to your future anonymous readers?” He autographed away, and drew a cute snake (Quetzelcoatl as Saturday morning cartoon). Then he hurried away, eager to see Dr. Villoldo’s presentation and get away from me.

I find myself kind of annoying when I approach my favorite minor celebrities in real-life. (It’s usually authors who are my greatest idols--I have yet to care about meeting some movie star. But writers aren’t usually too famous in the grand scheme and have no need to be snobby.) Be it at a book signing, comic convention, or comedy club (not including rock stars--I might see the occasional famous musician in real-life but they’re usually vastly separated by stage), when I meet someone whose work I respect I can’t help but take the opportunity to ask them as many questions as I can fit. At a convention or wherever, they’re usually busy and there are many others demanding attention. yet I pester and pester; asking what they’re interested in, the backstory on their art, and most of all what advice they’d offer me as a writer. Hit or miss, I always try, and every so often perceived as annoying.

Daniel Pinchbeck, according to his wikipedia birthdate, is in his early forties. He comes across as if in his twenties, and doesn’t act as a scholar but another hip young soul with long hair. A quiet sort of voice, articulate and intelligent, but not overly confident. He’s tall, he slouches--according to his book he suffers from moderate scoliosis. Bad teeth.

A perfect vision of what I imagine all the new intellectuals need to be. A philosophical countercultural writer, knee-deep in the quest for knowledge as it takes him to all the weird places in the world, but very much at home in the big-city’s depravity. To write thick well-bibliographed academic tomes about taking drugs, and getting away with it.

Listening to his speeches about these shamanic subjects and how they relate to the future of human evolution via 2012, I get the sense Daniel takes it with a grain of salt. Sure he spoke with passion about crop circles, but as audience members asked him questions about aliens and Infinite One-ness he tended to shrug them off as irrelevant. “I don’t know,” he admitted. Just trying to figure it out. On the subject of conspiriology, he described the NOW/Illuminati theories as interesting but “off-putting”, and endorses Obama so he can’t that distraught with the System; and when Jordan Maxwell in the ending group panel session stated that the world and government is controlled by “very dark forces which have been controlling this world for six thousand years,” Daniel coldly retorted with: “You can live in that movie if you want to, but I don’t want to live in that movie. That’s a terrible movie.” I appreciate his skepticism, his ill-at-ease (at least, his relative skepticism when compared to this lot), his perspective.

I asked a question during the back-and-forth audience session, about the subject of currencies. He mentioned the nature of currencies as part of the problems of the world, local currencies might be coming to play and in medieval times negative-interest currencies had an impact as unhoardable. “Are you familiar with Neal Stephenson?” I asked. Only one person clapped. “I don’t have time to read fiction anymore,” Daniel answered. “Well,” I said, “Neal Stephenson’s brand of futurist science fiction, Snow Crash and Cryptonomicon, has a pervading theme that the internet can change society and collapse government by bringing about multiple competing currencies that exist online. Maybe that’s how we’ll escape from the hold of the Federal Reserve.” “I don’t know about that,” he said, “why do they have to the competing, why not collaborative currencies? Next question.” I was cut off. Not his subject of expertise.

Well, I tried. If the central banks are the problem, if that’s your cause, if that’s your revolution, might I suggest Kongbucks and New Yen and Metaversal capitalism to replace the hollow Federal Reserve notes we now use? Neal’s meme I wanted to spread to these people, but I don’t know if they cared. Anyways, what fascinates me about Neal Stephenson’s work is not that he wants a cause to change the world, no marches holding up signs that demand global anarcho-capitalism; but that the patterns of the world do what they do on their own. Meme infestation or not, if it occurs it will occur naturally.

I certainly sensed an impatience on the part of Pinchbeck during mine and others’ questions. I don’t blame him. Hundreds of people throwing out ideas, many of them quite crazy, and he’s only one man to keep up. When I last saw him smoking outdoors, I apologized, “I know you’re busy Mr. Pinchbeck, but one last thing. I’m an aspiring writer. I wonder if you would read this short story I wrote, it’s about occult themes, a 411 operator out to destroy the world with Burroughs technology.” (411, an old story of mine I recently rewrote for a new round of submissions) “No,” he said, “I don’t have time. Email me.” I held out the printout and pleaded, “But wouldn’t you prefer a hard copy if you’re really going to read it? Just take it, humor me, and if you throw it away I won’t even know.” “Fine.” Yay, I won, and he took my story. Though annoying as I might be, I’m glad I didn’t accept no, at least this leaves a chance for correspondence. I’d be grateful for input, though I’m realistic and the guy is fairly overwhelmingly busy (and did I make a good impression?), but it’s always worth it try.

And other speakers: John Major Jenkins’ Power Point presentation was most factual in decoding the Mayan pyramids and expressing the numerology thereof, though honestly his speech was one I saw the least of, and then I went out to eat for lunch Baja Fresh on Sunset.

Jay Weidner, husband to Sharon Rose, runs Sacred Mysteries DVDs and gave an interesting take about his personal journey from atheist to seeker. I respected that he pleaded ignorance on just what specifically will occur in 2012. Audience members wanted to ask about terrorism and global government and Illuministic anxiety, but he wasn’t interested in spreading fear because “nobody knows what’s going to happen.” Let’s just do our best to evolve, and interpret that 2012 as an empowering event. And I learned, according to him at least, that 26 is an important number--Sun takes 26,000 year rotation. Here comes Chapel Perilous and these silly thoughts: Hmm, I turn 26 this month, and on Easter Sunday . . .

Yogi Harijiwan Khalsa impressed me greatly. An LA local, I wasn’t aware of his work until the event. White guy in a turban and robe, with a Brooklyn-ish sort of big city accent. “Kundalini Yoga is my business,” he told me. He started out with gong music and mantra, “OM,” and told of another ancient mantra invented in this region: “whatever.” What a sense of humor, a hilarious guy. Though certainly a spiritualist, a different mindset than the New Agey othersa as he mocked global warming and Al Gore and even referenced David Icke’s work. Aware of the Illuminati, and happy to mock them. “A guy told me to get a bunker and hoard food and gold for 2012. He said to me a very wise thing: save the ketchup.” You can’t worry about these things, you just have to do your best to expand your consciousness and individually evolve. When he spoke of the coming consciousness shift as expressed through generation gaps through recent cultural history, he cited the Sex Pistols. Quite impressed, I talked to him afterwards in the halls, and got a card, and I will have to make the time to attend one of his yoga classes when I get the chance.

I worked as usher through the mid-day presentations. Very simple work; given a seating chart and flashlight keychain and standing next to the door and telling people (some of them speakers themselves) not to block the doorway. No flash photography.

The cheaper seats were the upstairs mezzanine, and many tried to steal downstairs orchestra seats. I didn’t care, as long as they didn’t sit where someone else’s seat was. (And earlier I met with some friends--Herwig actually knows Daniel Pinchbeck and took the backcover photo in the book. He got in free through contacts and I looked the other way as he stole orchestra seats!) There were other rules that I wasn’t interested in enforcing, such as not to bring drinks into the theatre. Overall I did a decent job of it I suppose, but I’m not getting paid here and I wasn’t trying to let any petty power go to my head.

The sun set and it grew dark outdoors, and then came the ending group panel questionnaire. Pinchbeck and Jay Weidner and Sharon Rose and others were joined by a late Jordan Maxwell--the arch conspiriologist recently made more famous by the viral Zeitgeist film so popular online nowadays. Many of the questions delved into NWO/Illuminati theories, “I know Secret Service agents and they tell me World War II is scheduled soon!” quite pessimistic (maybe true, maybe not. Who knows anymore?), and the speakers struggled to combine optimism with environmental catastrophe and/or Illuminati takeover. One very poignant statement by Pinchbeck: “The military have families too, and they don’t want this future,” which very much deserved a clap.

One point of interest to me: West-bashing. I’m tired of it. One kid asked why “people of color vibrate at a higher frequency, and why the European male is so devolved.” Come on, is that a necessary question? Most of the panelists were ‘European males’ anyways. Firstly, what does “vibrating at higher frequency” specifically mean? What constitutes low frequencies to be bad? Or is this yet another meaningless New Agey term tirelessly thrown out? “The West is inherently materialist,” they said, “and the East has had more practice, but we’re catching up.”

All cultures of the Earth are yin and yang and contain positive and negative within the whole. ALL. African slavers that sold their people to European slavers are not spiritual. Mayans are hip now, but the Aztecs that sacrificed 250,000 people a year were not spiritual. Communist Chinese who are the greatest human rights abusers in the history of the world don’t display very Taoist tendencies in my opinion. Zen or not, Samurai feudalism or WWII Imperialist or modern poppy, Japanese culture seems to be fairly good at materialism from what I can tell.

The crimes of Western Civilization and the Christian religion have been very well-documented, and is not up for debate. But our own traditions of the Bible and Hermeticism and such still contain much philosophical truth. Cross-refference Qabbalah with yogic chackras, or go to a Wiccan meeting, or whatever your interest is. But to disregard all of the West as decedent is juvenile and unnecessary. The world is what it is, history already happened, and let us make the most of today without wallowing in lost idealistic nostalgias. In this writer’s opinion, at least, cross-cultural pollination is the key to memetic evolution and to dwell in anti-West sentiments is not going to be helpful. Sorry. We are individuals who have a grand palette of mystical traditions to grow upon. We are not bound by racial Karma. We are all flawed humans. Let’s move on.

Most of these questions were terribly long and drawn-out, the stoner kids droning on and on and on until they got to the point: “What do you want me to do in 2012?” These Indigo kids want so much to believe in something. And therein lies the danger. It’s much harder to figure out for yourself how you’re going to make the world a better place; it’s much easier to find a guru to tell you what to do. And this is what makes me pessimistic, not because of the speakers, but because of the New Agey audience who are trying so hard to find a religion to believe in. Maybe that’s not the point. Maybe this so-called “movement” should stay unorganized. This emerging subculture . . . Burners and techno-hippies and cyber-spiritualists . . . kids that smoke pot right on Hollywood Blvd beneath the forgotten sidewalk stars and hook themselves up to Tesla machines and can’t wait to camp out in the Black Rock desert for the summer. On the one hand it’s a beautiful group, on the other hand it can be so naïve. Mysticism as I understand it, by way of RA Wilson and Crowley, should contain a healthy dose of skepticism.

Years and years of esoteric research and I still don’t know what to believe. I don’t even feel like I’m close to any subjective or objective “Truths.” Like Mr. Wilson says, through Chapel Perilous you emerge with a choice of paranoia or extreme agnosticism. The Chaoist approach to playing with beliefs appeals to me. The pseudo-religious approach of believing everything channeled through this psychic, or whatever, does not.

Immersed in ideaspace, burnt out on conjecture, and what the hell am I to do with it all? I am interested in metaprogramming. I am interested in DNA shamanism. I am interested in interpreting the universe with new states of consciousness, in archetypes and gnosis and psychedelia and magic and new philosophies that come with any and every path. I’m very open to learning something new. But until I’m proven wrong with direct experience, I don’t think I believe in any of this shit.

So what will happen on December 21st? Biosphere damaged beyond repair? Galactic equatorial alignment causing pole shift and an end of civilization? UFOs come crashing down and only the Reptilian Illuminati can save us? Singularity and then a complete end of time? Well, I guess my point is: I don’t bloody know. Repeating one speaker, “Hopefully it’ll be a nice day.”

And so, without securing a floor to crash on in the city, I took back the long train ride alone late into midnight, read my books, didn’t pay for the transfer and got away with it, and went home, went to sleep. Long day.


Saturday, March 1, 2008

Singularity or Bust

". . . the development of technology does seem to be approaching a concrescence point--what some futurist thinkers call the 'Singularity.' The Stone Age lasted many thousands of years, the Bronze Age lasted a few thousand years, the Industrial Age took three hundred years, the Chemical Age or Plastic Age began a little more than a century ago, the Information Age began thirty years ago, the Biotechnology Age geared up in the last decade. By this calculus, it is conceivable that the Nanotechnology Age could last all of eight minutes.

"At that point, human intelligence might have complete control of the planetary environment, on a cellular and molecular level. This could lead to utopian creativity or dystopian insanity--perhaps both would arrive at the same moment."

- Daniel Pinchbeck, 2012 The Return of Quetzalcoatl p. 101-102

* * *



"It may be a more critical level of juncture, in other words an elbow in the continuum, I'm also really conscious about too literally overlaying a time template over linear time. I had a great talk with Dennis McKenna, after Terence . . . and when I was talking with Dennis I was like, 'well why did you pick 2012, why did you overlay the fractal in this way?'

"And he said 'well actually originally we overlayed it in 1973 on Terrance's birthday and then that came and it didn't happen so we put it on 2012; we figured we'd both be in our 60s by then and if it doesn't happen it won't matter. Plus, it was sort of where the bumps and valleys seemed to match some kind of historical bumps and valleys.' So he was the guy who was buzzing for three weeks while Terence was writing everything down. So Dennis who was the guy in the focus of the maelstrom kind of had a light-hearted view about just how lockstep we get with this is the view that this is the moment where events are going to happen.

"I get scared of moments like that. I get scared of anything future oriented rather than moment oriented. That's the way really nasty movements get started too.

"So I'm thinking its a lot safer to say right now is when it has to happen. In other words its not a matter of having some revolution or some big shift thats going to come. Its happening now. This is all we've got is the moment that we're in rather than this sort of delayed gratification of the great flip."

- Douglas Rushkoff in debate with Daniel Pinchbeck, New York 2007

----------------------




While I juggle my present shamanic quest of faith with skeptical Maybe Logic during my present research, I'm torn between the possibilities. While the 2012 meme leads to fascinating roads - I love expressing it to others in the hopes that they'll further reserach; I wonder if there is an inherent danger in apocalysm and such future worship. Are we neglecting the now?

Timewave accelerations seems to make sense in the present world stage. But how shall this be kept up indefinitely?

To make sense of the future we may require a rapid evolutionary shift. There has never been so many dangers to the Planet Earth, and there has never been so much information overload to distract ourselves. How shall we cope? Transhumanism may make us uncomfortable, but without DNA shamanism taking a cybernetic sort of 'sci-fi' approach its difficult to see how we can ever keep up. Neurological development of a Nietzschean sort seems impossible unless we ALL transform into the superheroes very soon.

Or will we cope just fine? Will tomorrow just be another anxious day of the planet Earth's drag? Genocidal consumerism might just be one more little virus to immunize ourselves against and be the better for it. Spiritual-optimism or Materialistic-pessimism; I could go either way.


The essence of occult knowledge is said to be summed up by the doctrine "KNOW THYSELF", and I look at my own past. For a very long time I have sensed my development to be unbearably slow, and have been awaiting an epiphany . . . idealizing a future inwhich I am an evolved perfect human and capable of dealing with every physical, emotional, and mental challenge that so far escapes me.

I don't feel like I am at where I need to be. Yet when I look back through my journals and my writings and I find myself quite surprised at my progress over the past few years. I am not the man I was at 21, or 18, or whenever. And the only measuring tape that matters: I seem to be a better writer nowadays. There never was an epiphany, it was a slow and subtle race to turn into me (still very far from ideal). And I suspect it will continue be a slow and gradual process to turn into whoever I end up to be next. I, and the world, still have a long way to go.


Perhaps assuming there's an endpoint is the mistake.

2012's 13th b'ak'tun cycle will come and go, and I do not believe the world will "end" or even be "rebirthed" in any dramatic way. We will still be here and we will still have much to deal with.

(Or am I mistaken? A pole shift, Illuminati takeover, flying saucer, mass simultaneous Christ Consciousness in each and every one of us )

Do things really begin and end? Or is it the same old infinite sludge its always been?


I appologize for my semantic limitations in contextualizing all these vague worries. Its difficult to express this anxiety for the macrocosm of the overwhelming world, while it overlaps with the microcosm of my own unpredictable and overwhelming life-journey.

On Saturday I am volunteering at the 2012 Conference in Hollwyood and perhaps meet with Mr. Pinchbeck.

In the coming weeks I plan on accelerating the shamanic trials board flight on an ayahuasca trip . . . and pray for that epiphany I've been seeking.

Whatever happens, I hope I can still maintain a skeptical Maybe Logic perspective to whatever model invades my reality tunnel.

I wish to see God, and still remain skeptical.


Posing more questions than answers, I blabber on in my thoughts . . .